It’s been a while. A few relatively boring weeks with some confusion and lots of changes.
Uni is in full swing, and I’m gaining confidence. I’ve become obsessed with true crime podcasts and I think I’m slowly, ever slowly, moving forward. Recovery is even shuffling along.
These uneventful weeks have lead to me being able to sit here, on the sofa (where I do almost everything, including my Latin homework), and take a look at my life. I don’t need a long look, but even that brief glimpse allows me to evaluate where I am and where I’m going; what’s going well, and what’s going wrong. I can develop my to-do list and my goals, and take a breathe before plunging into creating the world I want to live in.
When I make the choices to improve my life, I become the person I want to be. Or to phrase it better: I am constantly becoming the person I want to be. Always changing, always moving forward, albeit at a slow shuffle. And reflection is a wonderful thing.
I feel like I’m becoming more myself than I have been, shedding some baggage and hopefully picking up less along this path.
Right now I feel uncomfortable in my body, I feel constantly tense within the physical boundaries of my skin. But I am comfortable with many other things: my abilities, my clothing, my personality, my relationships.
I’m beginning to understand that the main barrier to anything in my life is not depression, but anxiety, and that it’s anxiety that has kept me running around in hyperventilating circles for years. It still bothers me, but identifying the problem is the first step to solving it, and I’m going to continue to push through and forward.
Eventually, the anxiety will go away, spiralling off into the difference. And I’ll have space to breathe. Even more space than I have now.